If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter鈥檚 Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Thursday
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can鈥檛 you just say jinx?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If I were Noah, I鈥檇 be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C鈥橫ON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
That’s incredible! 馃憣
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn鈥檛 u?
shaggy: ok i鈥檓 gonna go
My neighbors had a party and didn鈥檛 invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
This is from an actual conversation 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Scientist: We don鈥檛 really know exactly how that happens. They鈥檙e performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can鈥檛 I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?