My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus