Who called it baking and not making love
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble