PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Guilty! 🤪
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Lmao
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo