Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra