👾👾👾
You Might Also Like
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers