9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
That’s amazing.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?