go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
this chia pet tastes awful
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn