wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’ve been drinking.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Check out the legs on this baby
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.