[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”