I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.