Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.