*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids