A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?