what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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“our sushi is very fresh”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
felt that
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars