I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man