Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Truth
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine