*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
That eye roll….
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes