Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread