Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
the red hot silly peppers
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football