🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas