Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Shoo shoo! 😂
good let them take over I have had enough
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Breaking news:
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter