My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?