“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”