I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.