Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Finally, a door that understands me
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
termite twitter scares me