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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it