59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I’m a bad influence on myself.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance