I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock