Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Name another movie that mislead you?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”