Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
selena gomez
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.