Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.