yes, those are my real potatoes.
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Favourite diary entry ever
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.