Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour