Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.