“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
You Might Also Like
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!