I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
That’s easy for you to say
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook