reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
couldn’t resist
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.