I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?