I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*