My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A bold strategy
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.