them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.