[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
yeah not falling for this one
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.