Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
At least he brought enough for everyone
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.