BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method