juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience