I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
the noise i just made
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow