A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.