me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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this is me
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Sorry. Not sorry
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British