Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas